How I Survived China

What did I do when the shop attendant moistened his fingertips with saliva just before counting out my change?

I ordered more items until di money done!

What did I do when he did the same thing before handing me a bag in which to place the items?

I declined his offer, huddled everything in my hand, vowed to have the exact change next time and got myself a durable shopping bag right after.

What  did I do after I walked five minutes before finding the supermarket's 'entrance,' and the security guard indicated that I was entering through the exit (She pointed to the EXIT sign.) and then asked me to retrace my steps?

I pretended the Chinese characters above the English 'EXIT' confused me, then I proceeded inside.

What did I do when the lady cashed my groceries and indicated (in Chinese) that I needed to pay for a 'scandal' (polythene bag) that I thought would have been complimentary? (At this point, I had only 5RMB to get a taxi home.)

I feigned misunderstanding, contorted my face in pain and confusion until she smiled and gave me a bag for free.

What do I normally do when people ask me personal questions in English, but their words are a little blurred by the thick Chinese accent?

I pretend the questions have been asked in Chinese and respond with "Ting bu dong" (I do not understand.) (Oh yes, they get very personal! One lady asked me who was paying for my apartment!)

What have I done since falling in love with the Chinese song Xiao Ping Guo?

I mumble a blend of Creole (Jamaican), African and Chinese gibberish to the rhythm. (I am gradually learning the Chinese lyrics --- one line per week.)

What do I sometimes do when my students seem bored or disinterested?

I put on Major Lazer's Watch Out Fi Dis, get everybody to stand, and lead them into my best Jamaican dance routine. When me run out a moves, me create some on the spot and drop een two of the Chinese moves that I learnt from square dancing. Talk about cultural infusion!

What do I do when I am reading aloud to my students and there is a Chinese name in the passage that I cannot pronounce?

I imitate the stage show act where entertainers involve patrons by allowing them to fill in the lines of their songs. So, I usually say, "There was story after story of how (pausing and pointing to the students)______(Lin Qiaozhi), tired after a day's work, went late at night to deliver a baby ..." Of course, if the students do not follow the hint, I say, "Come on! What is the name of this Chinese doctor?"

What did I do when the Chinese guy (the one with his lips scorched by night fever) drove past, reversed and bluntly asked me for my number? (Yes, no Hello!; Hi; How are you?; What is your name. He just approached me asked, "What is your number?" Of course, his line seemed well rehearsed. )

I  responded with my choicest Jamaican Creole: "But a wah the blouse and skirt dis! Yuh mussa mad! Weh yuh want mi numba fah? Weh yuh really ago tell me seh?" He read the answer from my miserable countenance, and returned to his car.